Breaking: TI-84s Now Classified As Lethal Weapons
What began as a simple disagreement over PEMDAS has erupted into full-blown mathematical warfare in Jefferson High’s halls. The conflict reached a fever pitch yesterday when Ms. Reynolds’ Algebra II class declared “total calculator annihilation” after discovering Mr. Lin’s Pre-Calc students had reprogrammed their TI-84s to display “YOUR ANSWER IS WRONG” during quizzes.
Casualties Mount
At least twelve scientific calculators were lobbed across rooms before administrators intervened. “They’re using the quadratic formula as psychological torture,” claimed junior Jason Pike, showing this reporter his graphing calculator’s screen permanently stuck displaying “INSUFFICIENT IQ.” The Mathletes club has been deployed as peacekeepers, though rumors persist they’re smuggling Casio fx-9750GIIs to underclassmen.
Diplomatic Failures
Attempts at mediation collapsed when Geometry teachers insisted circles were “pointless shapes.” The school board has proposed dividing the building along the Fibonacci sequence, while the Chemistry department offered to dissolve all calculators in hydrochloric acid “for the greater good.”
As of press time, the Calculus BC class had begun encrypting test answers in binary, and the school store was selling “I Survived the Math Wars” t-shirts. Principal Vargas sighed: “Next week we tackle the English department’s Oxford comma rebellion.”
Originally posted 2025-10-31 00:00:00.
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