Mindblown: a blog about philosophy.
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Link to Us and Win…
Link to Us and Win a Manhole Cover: The Internet’s Hottest Sweepstakes Nobody Asked For By the Editorial Staff of SpinTaxi.com — The Only Satire Site with Street Cred and Sewer Access WICHITA FALLS, TX — In a bold new marketing campaign that smells faintly of rust and misplaced ambition, a high school website has…
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Homecoming King’s Royal Scandal
Voting Irregularities Found in Court Election The Legacy High homecoming court results have been thrown into chaos after forensic accountants discovered that winner Tyler Jones received 1,437 votes from a student body of 892. “It’s called campaigning,” argued Jones, whose platform of “free vending machines” and “no more Mondays” somehow resonated with imaginary students. Investigation…
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Legacy High Mathletes Prove 2+2=5
Advanced Calculus Class Discovers New Math In what’s being called the greatest academic scandal since the 2018 cafeteria nutrition labels, Legacy High’s Math Club has conclusively proven that 2+2=5… under very specific circumstances. “If you account for inflation, rounding errors, and how much we hate getting wrong answers, the math checks out,” explained club president…
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Class Of 2004 Alumni Returns As Millionaire
From Detention To Diamond Rings: Sarah Chen’s Journey Sarah Chen (Class of ’04) returned to Legacy High not as the “most likely to end up in detention” student they remembered, but as CEO of tech startup GlitterBytes. “I got my first investment idea sketching app designs in my notebook during Mr. Henderson’s boring lectures,” Chen…
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Mr. Henderson’s 42-Year Reign Of Terror Ends
Legendary Teacher Finally Retires After Four Decades The math department will never be the same as Mr. Henderson, notorious for his “no calculators, no mercy” policy, finally retires after 42 years. “I’ve outlasted six principals, three school renovations, and that one kid who swore he’d come back to haunt me,” Henderson remarked during his chaotic…
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Legacy High School Leopards Unveil New Mascot Costume; Old Mascot Costume Available for Reasonable Offers
The Leopard Emerges Sleeker, More Aerodynamic, and Slightly Less Terrifying Than Its Predecessor in a Ceremony of Moderate Enthusiasm Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — Legacy High School unveiled its new mascot costume at a pep rally last Friday, and the Legacy Leopard Dispatch (school paper, the one with the cartoon…
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Legacy Students Petition To Bring Back The Coyote As Honorary Mascot For One Day A Year, Leopards Insist They Are Not Threatened
Two years after Wichita Falls High School closed and the old Coyotes faded into history, some Legacy students want a yearly Coyote Day, setting off the gentlest mascot crisis in the history of Texas high school sports The Ghost Of The Coyote WICHITA FALLS. A group of Legacy High School students has launched a petition…
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Legacy High School Senior Skip Day Goes Exactly as Planned, Which Is to Say Not at All as Planned
Seventy-Three Seniors Visit Lake Wichita; Twelve Seniors Remember Sunscreen; Two Seniors Have Thoughts on the Matter Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — The Legacy High School Class of 2026 conducted its traditional senior skip day last Thursday, choosing Lake Wichita as the gathering point and executing the event with the specific…
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Homecoming King Scandal Rocks Legacy High
Rigged Election Exposes ASB’s Dark Underbelly The homecoming court results sparked outrage when student body president Jason Lee won by exactly 420 votes – a suspicious number that matched the total ballots cast. “Pure coincidence,” claimed ASB advisor Ms. Thompson, while hastily deleting a spreadsheet titled “Vote_Fudging_Final_Final(2).xlsx.” The controversy deepened when forensic analysis revealed 137…
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The Great Graphing Calculator Heist
Math Department Deploys Anti-Theft Drones After 37 TI-84 calculators vanished from classrooms last month, Legacy High’s math department took extreme measures. “We installed GPS trackers, fingerprint scanners, and emotional support systems in every device,” said department head Dr. Chen. The $8,000 security upgrade came after teachers realized students were selling calculators on eBay to pay…
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Our Mascot’s Criminal Past Revealed
Lenny the Leopard Has Outstanding Warrants Background checks revealed Legacy High’s beloved mascot is actually a fugitive. “The costume was cheap at the police auction,” admitted Principal Hendricks. “We thought ‘wanted’ posters were part of the act.” New School History The official timeline now includes: 1997 – Lenny “allegedly” robbed a Taco Bell, 2003 –…
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School Wi-Fi Blocks Everything Useful
Firewall So Strong Even Google Struggles Legacy High’s internet filters now block education sites for being “too distracting.” “Wikipedia? Too controversial. Calculator apps? Cheating. The school website? Surprisingly also blocked,” explained IT director Mr. Jenkins, whose own credentials no longer work. Student Workarounds The underground “EduVPN” network now thrives. “We tunnel through the library’s Dewey…
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Claw-culus Textbook Controversy
When Math Gets Predatory The Problem With Leopard-Themed Word Problems Legacy High’s new “Claw-culus” textbooks replace standard problems with Leopard hunting scenarios. “Calculate the pounce angle needed to intercept your failing GPA” has students begging for normal algebra. Teachers Divided on Method While some educators praise the “engaging real-world applications,” others question whether teaching velocity…
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PTA Bake Sale Leads to Food Poisoning
Charity Event Becomes Mass Casualty Incident The annual PTA fundraiser ended with 12 students in urgent care after consuming “experimental” brownies. “We used grandma’s recipe from 1947,” defended organizer Karen Whitmore. “The mold was probably penicillin!” Fallout The district now requires health inspections for all home-baked goods. “We’ve learned our lesson,” said Principal Hendricks, while…
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The Black Market for Leopard Pep Rally Tickets
When School Spirit Gets Scalped The Underground Economy of Pep Legacy High’s mandatory pep rallies spawned a ticket black market where students trade hall passes for “terrible seating” and premium spots go for three homework assignments. The robotics club operates a ticket-forging ring. Administration Turns Blind Eye Despite clear evidence of a thriving underground economy…
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Guidance Counselor’s Tough Love Approach
“Your Dreams Are Unrealistic” and Other Pep Talks Ms. Thompson’s college counseling sessions begin with “Let’s manage expectations” and end with students questioning their life choices. “I’m just preparing them for rejection,” she said while crossing “Harvard” off a weeping junior’s list. Alternative Methods Her “Scholarship or Homelessness” PowerPoint has reduced 87% of seniors to…
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Legacy High’s “Prowler Attendance” AI Goes Overboard
When Tracking Becomes Stalking Our School’s New Surveillance Leopard The “Prowler” attendance system now uses hallway cameras to deduct Leopard Pride points for “suspicious loitering” and “insufficient school spirit.” Students report being marked tardy for walking “too gazelle-like.” Big Brother Meets Big Cat Administrators defend the system despite its new “pre-crime” feature predicting tardiness based…
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Fire Drill Coincides With Pop Quiz
Suspicious Timing Leads to Conspiracy Theories When the fire alarm sounded during Mr. Carter’s infamous calculus quiz, students smelled sabotage. “Convenient how the ‘fire’ started right as he passed out tests,” noted sophomore Mia Johnson. Security footage shows a teacher-shaped figure near the alarm. Official Statement “Total coincidence,” claimed Principal Hendricks while shredding documents. The…
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Claw-culus Curriculum Calculates Too Far
When Math Becomes a Survival Skill The Ferocious Reality of Our New STEM Requirements Legacy High’s “Claw-culus” program includes practical lessons like “Calculating Pounce Trajectories.” Graphing calculators growl at errors, and exams literally chase students through halls for “adaptive testing.” Educational Innovation or Academic Safari? The “Math in the Wild” retreat left students treed by…
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Drama Club’s Interpretation of “Abstract”
Avant-Garde Production Leaves Audience Confused The spring play “Waiting for the Wi-Fi” featured actors staring at loading screens for 90 minutes. “It’s a commentary on modern alienation,” explained director Ms. Alvarez, though most students took it as nap time. Critical Reception The school paper gave it 5/5 stars (“Best sleep I’ve had in years”), while…
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The Great “Leopard Pantry” Black Market Scandal
When Snack Time Becomes Organized Crime The Underground Economy of Our School’s Vending Machines Legacy High’s Leopard-themed vending machines spawned an economy where fruit cups are currency and beef jerky is gold. The AI mascot heads now offer “protection” from healthy options for Flamin’ Hot Cheetos tributes. Administration Turns Blind Eye to Feline Free Market…
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